Late Night Mind Overload

Well, since I was told that I should consider blogging my thoughts, I think it's a better idea that I should start back up. My first post in a long time was over the Olympics. Well today, I have a completely different topic to get off my mind. A lot of people would think about it and say; "Oh no, here we go again." however, this is different. So, maybe I can find the words to actually let everything out.

Last night, I've tried to go to sleep about three different times. Each of those times, however, were failed attempts. I couldn't sleep and I couldn't get my mind to slow down. Everything was going about a thousand miles and hour and wouldn't slow down for anything. So, I just turned on the music and let my mind wonder. And when I did, a million questions started to dash through my head. Some I could of answered, others remained a mystery to me because I haven't experienced it yet. But some, I had to really work to find and understand the answer I have came up with for that answer..

And I know, there are some of you who are asking the question; "What was you thinking about?" Well, I'm going to tell you. I hope you're interested in reading, because this will be a lengthy post today.

Okay, so I ended up thinking about the things that has happened in my life. Stuff from the past, present and future. I thought about my past and - quite honestly, I'm glad that some of the events happen, however, there are somethings that I don't want to relive. The reason being is that I'm the type that lets things go after i've learned from it. I did - in fact, relearn my mistakes and now have them in tact. Therefore, the things that have happened in my past, are the reason why I am the person today. I'm still learning, but that don't mean I'm a noobie at life.

Next came the present; this is where I like to call the stuff that's happened this year. And quite frankly, it started out really slow. I had a relationship at the start of the year. Though, we slowly grew a part and we decided to let things end and let it go. I was okay with that. Fast forward about seven months later, we hardly talk. When we do, however, you may as well consider that it's world war three between us. Although, I still care for her. I told her that, even though she has a boyfriend. Now I don't talk to her, and I now know that she dislikes me and things just aren't going to get any better with her.

In other news; a few months back, I've decided that I was going to attempt to lose weight. And so far. it's paid off. In nearly seven months, I've lost a total of 67 pounds, that's a lot of weight if you think about it. At first, I was really skeptical about it; really nervous, scared that I wouldn't be able to lose the weight, anything. Well, now that I'm here, back at my high school weight, and back in the gym like I was nearly four years ago, I feel better than ever. Now, I plan on not going back to my old self, not in a million years I won't be. I feel better here than I did six months ago and there's nothing going to stop me from pushing forward. As a physical education major, I would want to be a good role model or the kids, and being able to say that I've lost 67 pounds in under a years time is a big achievement for me. If I could do it, anyone can do it. So don't say tou can't because I will prove your wrong.

Now, for what the future holds for me? All I know, is that my heart is telling me to leave my hometown, my home state. To just go away from where I'm most comfortable. It's kinda scary now that I think about it, however, I feel that it might be the best thing for me. Because of several reasons. First of all, the fact that the people around my home town are just not what I thought they would be when I needed them. What I mean by this is that people in my home town have let me down. There are a few in my home town that I know that are still hear for me. Although, the people that I know are in my life is mainly family, however. there are a few people outside my family that do care and I'm very thankful for them. Although, my thought of possibly moving away may be the best thing for me to do. Because honestly, I need to be able to get out, spread my wings and experience life. The reason of this thought was from my instructor;

"Going away is the best way to learn, because you can learn new techniques and skills. These are what you want to have in your arsenal of teaching strategies." -Doctor Vanessa Anton

This is my main reason to why I want to leave. Although, the other reason is also a legit reason to why I want to get out of here. Most people call it a shit hole town, well I'm going to have to say it is a shit hole town, not because of the town itself. but the people that make up this town. I have my family and a few others that care. For now, it's undecided, because it's still a few years down the road before I decide on what I'm going to do.

A Thought on the Olympic Games

So, I watched the London 2012 Olympic Ceremonies last night. It was a really good show I think, however, it did not over come Beijing's Ceremony. Not one bit. Although, I do think that the story of London as the opening ceremonies theme was interesting and very eye opening. A lot of things that I did not know about up until today. But that's beside the point.

The opening ceremonies always give me the goose bumps, no matter how many times I watch them; no matter where they are from, they always do. The opening speeches also give me goose bumps, just hearing them makes me get excited for the games. What really gives me goose bumps is when the U.S. and Great Britain was announced in the "Parade of Nations". I often wondered what it would be like to be there. It's sort of a dream that I've had for a long time. However, the events that I would try to compete in would be events that are dominated by the greatest athletes America has. Pro athletes, college stars, athletes that's been playing that sport for years. 

I know there's a saying that "Giving up on what you want, should never be an option." Although, that dream would have to be left alone. You know the Pro Athletes in Baseball, Basketball, and other sports that have pro leagues, will get first bids. Track and Field are ones you have to qualify for. So is swimming and Diving and other sports. And we all know that if America Football was an Olympic sport, the best of the best American players would be picked. 

So, My dream of seeing the Olympics - whether as a spectator or an athlete, have been laid to rest. It'll remain a dream of mine. However, living it is a totally different story. For the fact that it's all based around professional athletes, instead of the non professional athletes. Ones that would do anything to make the team.

There's also been news that was just spoken about that Tulsa being a host city for the Summer Olympic games. Tahlequah, Stillwater and Oklahoma City will be surrounding cities that will host Olympic Competitions. This, in my opinion would be a huge step for Oklahoma. Although, my statement before, I would do anything to compete in the games. Although, it won't happen for the fact the games would go to the Professionals.. However, being able to run with the Olympic torch through the city I've been around all my life would be amazing.

In conclusion, I would do anything to be apart of the Olympic games. But the sports go to the Professionals instead of the people who dream of it and never get the chance to shine for their own country.. 

Worse Week Ever..

Well, it has been a while, hasn't it.. RECAP: Manged to find someone that likes me over the summer, didn't know how to tell them. When I did? It went well.. And all was well, right? WRONG!

The past week was HELL! Period! No questions asked. It really just.. I don't know, I'm tired of getting hurt. Why is it, every time, I find someone that I care about, that turn around and just decided that they feel nothing more than friends, or they're not ready, (no offence to anyone who may read this.) but seriously!? GOSH! I really wish that someone would just take me for me and not make me cry.. have I mentioned that I've been crying for the past week? Oh My GOSH! I forgot to mention that!? HA!

So, question; what do you do AFTER you break up with someone? Not talk to them? Try to talk to them? Consult with them? ANYTHING!? Well, I've been IGNORED for the past week and I just want to talk to her. But she's refusing to (At least that's what it feels like). I'm literally on the edge of just quitting. I'm serious. Why try to love when all you get is thrown out like trash, well, some of them are like that. But what does a guy have to do to just find that someone? Really.. Answer me that. What DO girls WANT from a guy? Possible Answer? "They like the chase." *points to the quote* Anyone believe that? What does it mean? It means that girls would rather chase after the boys who are hard to get than rather than deal with the nice guys like me! GAH! *Punches wall* That's all I'm getting out of all this. And I just wish that there some reason why I can't seem to hold a relationship longer than three months. I. DISLIKE. BEING. ALONE!

On a final Note. I'm done with dating for now. Good luck trying to get me to open to you, cause I'm locking my feelings away unless you find the key... And I'm not telling you where it is either....

So... Here I am after what seems to be a while and quite frankly it has been... The past couple of weeks have been, unexplainable.. That is all I have been able to just say about it.. The first reason was because all of the questions I have been left with questions since "that day"(that is all I am saying about it) that I have not been able to answer any of them.. I have turned to god to help me figure them out but patients is what I have to master at this time.. I just wish that this feeling would just go away and leave me alone but that is also wishful thinking.. Everything just seemed to backfire on me.. I hate it when that happens.. but as they say everything happens for a reason.. I want to know those reasons when I was perfectly happy, now I am just sitting here thinking again. That is not healthy for me cause it brings me down when I can't figure anything out.. I guess these things will come eventually...

Absents makes the Heart grow fonder.

  So.. It has been a while since I have written anything on here.. Let a lone have anything to say. but there has been something that is on my mind.. I really miss someone. And that someone is Karissa. I really wish that I would have us time back.. We haven't seen each other or talk to each other in a while, but of course it is the start of the semester and we are going to be busy. But I can't help not missing her.. She's amazing and I would do anything in the world for her. I would literally jump in front of a train for this girl.. I love her too much to lose her and everyday that we are apart I feel like we are taking a step away from each other, I feel so parinoid when I think about this I get to almost to the point of tears about it, but I keep reminding myself about a saying the my Grandpa told me "Absents makes the heart grow fonder" with this I think about her all the time and I am so glad that I have her in my life, she has helped me move on from my past and I plan on doing the same for her. I want to be the person who would make her happy no matter what the problem or the situation is, I want to be that shield that protects her, I really don't like watching her hurt, that is what really gets me. Seeing HER hurting, and knowing she is hurting takes a toll on me. I just seem to get these feelings when I just talk to her, it's like I know when when she is trying to hide she is upset but I know she is. For example over Christmas; we went to dinner with her step mom and her dad, it was her early birthday dinner and we had fun, afterworlds we went to the Christmas Parade, until she got a phone call.. The second she answered it, I knew something was wrong, she attempted to hide it after but it didn't work well with me. Just seeing her that way made me upset, So we attempted to talk about it and I think it was successful. I got her to smile and laugh, which means I did what I was suppose to do, which made me feel better.

  So in conclution, I hope I get to have our time together soon and go on a date.. Which I will plan, she is going to be surprised when I pull it off.. =]

Today... 12-14-10

     Well what do you know...One of the worst days ever... Might as well make that a wee! Well first off, I am a little upset with myself for the fact that I have been putting off buying Trans Siberian Orchestra tickets, all because I was focusing on school. Well I found out that they were coming to Tulsa on the 16th. This was back in September. I still wish that I was able to just went ahead and bought the tickets so that i didn't have to worry about them later on. but I didn't.
I was planning on making them my Christmas gifts for Karissa and our friend Mary Clare. But when I didn't have the money at the time, so I ask my mother. Well come to find out, the Unemployment Office people were being stupid. Mom called to see if they processed her money, one person said that that two were sent in on the 6th and one on the 9th, and that it takes 8 to 10 days to be processed on the 2ND PAPER!!! BULL!!! IT IS SUPPOSE TO BE THE FIRST PAPER YOU JACKWAGONS!!! Ugh!!! People piss me off sometimes...
Today is dubbed as the worse day in December, all of my plans that I have made for Karissa and Mary Clare are ruined... All because I didn't buckle down and buy the tickets earlier. I can't blame it on the Unemployment people, and I can't blame it on my mother either, I guess the only person that I can blame it on, is myself. I feel like I am the one who got everyone's hopes up and then let them down. I hate it when I feel this way.. I really want to make it up to them but I can't. Even though I try to make something up, it still isn't good enough, even with someone that I truly do care about. but I guess I'll just have to move on... Nothing I can do about it I guess.

My Restless Mind

  Well, it has been a while since I wrote anything, but since I can't sleep, I might as well write something. The past couple weeks have been great, I couldn't ask for more, but there is someone who is still trying to contact me, and I don't want her to contact me at all!  She is the one to where she used me to get her to and from school, and she was excited to spend time with her family, and not me... Well now, all she wants is to have me back.. And it is starting to upset me, I normally don't let anything upset me anymore, I just shake it off ad move on, but knowing that she won't give up is going to upset me more. I want to tell her to just back off and leave me alone, KuB mich am Arsech! (Don't ask, I am not translating.) I have found my someone, and she has lost her chance, All I have to say is this, "If she really cared about me in the first place, then she would have done everything in the WORLD to keep me." That is her fault not mine.
 
  I know for a fact that Karissa will talk to me about (almost) anything, but I don't push her to talk, she can talk whenever she wants too. I care abou her so much that I would do anything for her, even if it means having to stay on campus to comfort her when she is upset about something. I just get these feelings that something is wrong, not all the time though. It is normally after she has a stressful and/or a bad day and my initial reaction to that is to hold her, comfort her and tell her that everything will be okay, I stress the words "will be" a lot, cause everthing that has happened before just seems to come back and bite her, it reall upsets her when everything is going good and somethin just HAS to get in her way, Well that's what I am here for. I am here for her to talk to me when she wants to, and she don't have to worry about anything, I have an open mind to everythng and I really want to help her make it through the tough times. She means everything to me, and I will not let anyone or anything stop me.

May through June - 2010

Well, it has been a while since I have been on here... Just a little over two months. These last two months of summer vacation from school? Sucks! Oh wait, let me rephrase that; SUCKED! Yeah, I think that fits better.
     Let me start from the begging, the summer before my Senior year, we found out that my grandma had Cancer. This was the hardest thing that I had to take, which really made me realize that I had to be strong for my family. So, we got a "family friend" to be their care-giver. Mom has been been working for the school while I am still in school. Even though mom might have been busy, but we still managed to get grandma and grandpa involved with everything we can. Two months into my senior year, On October 6, 2oo8 my grandma passed away. That was the hardest thing that I had to deal with. But I managed to handle my anger and frustration in football practice, which I really needed, those guys were my second family. After that, their care-giver, went to SHIT!! The house was clean up until grandma died, but after she died, the house started to get cluddered, nasty and just straight up horrible. This house was my stomping grounds, I grew up in that house, and to see it like that just sickens me to the core!
     The care-giver is a horder in other words, she would be in the back room instead being in the front room with my grandma and grandpa at the time, why am I telling you all this? It all started when I found out that my grandpa fell and broke his hip! If she was in the front room instead of being in the back room, she could have prevented those falls. What makes me even madder, was that he fell two or three times BEFORE that! I was shocked, upset, annoyed, ticked, any other word that you can think about, all because I did NOT know that he has fallen that many times! So, we got him to the hospital, and they performed sergery to repair the hip.. He stayed in the hospital for two weeks, then was released to the nursing home in his home town. There was another event that has happend and I don't feel like explaining, cause I will just get upset to the point I will cry.
     While all of this was happening, the care-giver and her DAUGHTER, stayed in the house, and it just gotten worse, it made me sick. It was so bad, that Roaches were all over the house. But we ignored that because we got grandpa home finally,  about a month later after the second event, My Grandpa, Philip Otis Leonard, passed away at the age of 89 years and one month. This just killed me, I had to deal with having to go through his house, to find stuff that we should take... I found his cane that I bought him... (pause for a little bit of crying) Then I had to find the white suit that he loved to wear, so that he could be baried in it... There are so many memories in that house that I just miss how it looked; it was clean a tone of room to be able to walk around in, not having to worry about tripping over anything, Well those memories are gone.... Because the house is vertually distroyed! THANKS TO THE DAMN CARE-GIVER AND HER DAMN DAUGHTER! The house hasn't been clean for almost two years! I am sick of their LAZY ASSES! The care-giver is a hypocondrac, and her daughter is a WHORE!!! DON'T ASK! I'll only get pissed off more! (takes a deep breath and tries to calm down)
     It is currently Wednesday July 21, and on Sunday July 25, Operation, Remove the Hermit, horders, hypocondriac and whore, will be taking place. I would just love to move there shit out of the house, and be able to tell them to get the hell out of the house... Then, I would be at peace, and very relieved, to know that the two most horrible, lazy, hypocondractic people will me out of my grandparents house...
     I know I am a horrible person to say that, but I wanted to leave you with this question; would you want two people like that to come in, and just destroy your house like they did my grandparents house? Would you? Email me with your responces at house_of_dragons@hotmail.com. Peace, love, and blessings to you all!

My Past

Well, I managed to talk to Karissa today... I was shaking, I was really scared... Cause I had no idea how she was going to react. I managed to tell her about my past relationships, my summer and I felt like it is my fault in not talking to my friend.. Before he killed himself...

Past Relationships, oh how I loath them!! They are my mistakes that I have made, and I now wished that they wouldn't have happened, but now that I look back, I still think that everything happens for a reason... About one year ago today, there was one girl who "supposedly" loved me so much that she would never hurt me, even though that she decided to use me... For three weeks, she wanted me to take her to and from school from her house. and never had tome for me, but one of the things that really gets me, was that she decided to pull something over me that I thought she would never do to me..
It has been three weeks since I have seen her at the time, let alone talk to her. so it might has well be ages since I have heard from her. Well one night I was eating dinner with my parents, and I got a text from her, so I am excited, as always. but the text read "Would you stay the night with me if I asked you to?" so this was coming from a guy who's excited, I told her of vourse, why do you ask? All she said was that she was just wondering... So I proceeded to ask "When do you plan this?" Now, before I go on, have you heard the saying Curiosity killed the cat"? Well that statement is VERY true. Her answer to my question, "NEVER".
Is that not just horrible? All this time she made me think that she loved me, right then and there I knew she never did really love me. She just wanted to use me and planned to lead me on... Well I wasn't having that no more... It has been almost a year since I've talked to her, and I don't plan on it either..
My second past realtionship wasn't any better. All I was was a dog on a short leash.. I had to call at a certain time, if I didn't I got yelled at, if I didn't text her at the time she wanted me to, she would yell at me, and if I wasn't home by the time she told me to, I would get yelled at, and she would yell at me for talking to firends and not her... She was a control freak and I was not going to deal with that either.

My summer was going great, I was happy, I didn't need to worry about anything. Until May, that was when I found out my grandpa fell and broke his hip, from the joint and into the femer. Little did I know that that wasn't the end of it. The day before his birthday he collapsed. The doctors at Mayse County hospital stated that he had no blood in him, and they couldn't find where the blood was going. It was later confirmed that he was bleeding through his bouls (the place where we have to take a duce) So they transferred him to St. Johns Hospital, where they pernounced him dead, the only thing that was keeping him alive was life support, and the heart medicine that made his heart beat... He made a huge turn around, he was able to make it and stay with us for a while longer, but since he got out of the Hospital and lived for one more month... I still think that if a certain someone would have done there job, my grandpa would still be here today. But they were too lazy to even do that... To this day I am not happy with her, I know I am suppose to forgive and forget, but that is not working out...

I also wish I could have talked to my best friend before he killed himself, but I didn't. All that time I could have help change his mind. Atleast I hope that I could have? I honestly don't know. Now you know why I feel like it was my fault, beacause I didn't try to talk to him... he was my little brother that I help teach from write from wrong.. But I guess my influence wasn't enough. I just wish that I could have gone back and talk to him about itm hoping I could just tell him that its the biggest mistake that he will ever make in his life, but what could would that have done? To answer that truthfully, I have no clue..

I guess in conclution, I am glad that Karissa was the first person to know about this... I am taking a chance in telling about my past, even though that it still hurts to know that I could have helped others in some way, shape or form. Karissa, I am really greatful to have to in my life, and teach me how to trust again... I love you so much for that! And someday, just someday, you will be able to tell me your past too. =]

(Insert Title Here)

Answer me this question... How many people do you think in this world think that they can just text, or tell someone to there face that they have NO SELF MORALS?!?! What is the point if telling someone that?? That is something that really dispise about people... They think that they are Even all mighty and that their oppinion is the only one that matters... It makes me sick!!

Just a while ago, there was someone that texted me, I never talk to this person cause they never text back, so I just gave up all together. This person asked me what I was doing, so I politly told them that I was eating dinner... Little did I know that I was going to get yelled at for what I was eating. All this person could do was "yell" at me for getting a burgure from McDonald's, yes it is bad if you have it CONSTANTLY, but I only had it once this month, so they go on a yelling spree, in quote "That right there is the reason why you are a FAT A**! You have no self worth or morals for yourself, you can just go ahead and have a heart attack for all I care!!" In my opinion, that was harsh, made me feel bad about myself, yes I have had problems in the past about letting things go, but I have got to start learning sometime or another. I still have a hard time letting things go from the summer after I graduated High School, that was two years ago! But I am slowly starting to let everything go and not let anything stop me from progressing, Though I have a hard time talking about it in front of people. Especially in front of Karissa, I know that she is having hard times every now and again, but I don't want to add any more pressure on to her than what she has. My plan is to help her move on from everything in the past, and maybe, just maybe, if I am able to help her, I can get myself to let go of everything. I trust her so much, but there are just somethings that I am afraid to talk to her about.. My past relationships is one of them. I would start talking about how this person would have treated me, but I would stop in mid-sentance and just drop it right then and there... I really need to stop doing that, cause she has the right to know about my past... But that is if she wants to know, she already told me that it is up to me if I want to tell her...

So, I guess what I am trying to ask is, What should I do? What do I need to know/learn? Is there something that I have missed in the past years? These questions still lengar in my head and I don't have any answers for myself. I know that if someone is degrading me, just sing a song in my head and just shake it off, but the others? I just don't know...  Maybe if I can talk to Karissa about it, I could find the answers I am looking for and be able to just forget everything and start over.

My first Blog.. (This should be interesting)

Well what do you know. I have a new blogging site.. Who would have known? Well obviousely Karissa did. Yes, my Girlfriend got me into this site instead of my old site. Considering the other site my blogs never got looked at. Which makes me mad cause I wanted to get my thoughts out! That site is an EPIC FAIL!!! (I seem to be useing those two words a lot now.)

Well, That is all I have for now. But I will eventually!